Lost in London

On Thursday night I was out on a girlie night with other women from my team. We were defying the credit crunch. Yes, spend your way out of the recession :)

We went to Meza in Soho which a pretty cool place to hang out, although we all thought the food was over-priced. The cocktails were super though, so that made it worth it. In the basement, there is a Cuban place called Floridita where you can dance the night away. I left after dinner but the others continued into the night.

Anyway, we had a really interesting discussion during dinner about our "local communities". There were 4 of us : one Bruneian (me), a Korean, an Iraqi and one Bulgarian. We are all about the same age; two married and two single. One thing we all had in common was that we didn't hang around with people from our "home communities" in London - in fact, most of us actively avoided them.

Although it's nice to meet people from home sometimes, I just don't think it's worth the hassle because (I've found) that they can be the most nosy and judgemental. They will ask you lots of questions, not because they are genuinely interested, but because they are trying to weigh up your income, your husband's income, your lifestyle etc.

As my Bulgarian friend said - the killer questions are : Where do you live? In a house or a flat? Where do you work? What car do you drive?

You can practically see the wheels in their brain turning while they try to calculate your "standard" ..... whether you live in a four bed penthouse in Chelsea (envy) or a one bed council flat in Croydon ( oh dear).

My Iraqi friend added that the worst is when people judge your lifestyle and drag your family into it as well.

This is why you will never find me hanging around in Brunei Hall or tramping around the streets near Bayswater/Queensway. I like being lost in London.

What a shame.

Accordingly to a press release from the BDNOC (Brunei Darussalam National Olympic Council); the reason that no athletes were sent to represent Brunei was the refusal of the Ministry of Culture, Youth and Sports to "endorse its approval for the athletes to participate".

The reasoning:

• The swimmer had not attained the required achievement in regional and international competitions
• The shot-putter was not fit to participate due to an ankle injury.

I can understand why the shot putter was not sent; but why not the swimmer? She could have at least taken part in the heats! And Brunei would have been represented.

All that talk about not being able to win any medals is a load of crap. If only countries that were sure to win medals participated then only about 100 countries would participate.

Frankly the amount of money that the various ministries spend sending their staff on shopping trips and holidays *sorry* "conferences and meetings" around the world, flying first class with allowances coming out of their ears, it can't be that Brunei couldn't afford to send a delegation to Beijing.

So what is it all about then? Is it that Brunei can't be represented by someone called Maria Grace Koh?

(Sorry if I sound so bitter. I'm just going to have to work on Monday and to put up with all my colleagues' lame jokes about this. Aarrrggghhh, why can't there be good news about Brunei in the media for a change!)

Bruneians and Free Food

Sorry I don't know to embed videoclips...but look at this.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=YCw1dvHM3CM

Holy Cow! Mr K-E says, "It's like disaster relief but without the dignity." He also says, "..but everyone in Brunei is so fat anyway."

That's enough comment from you, thanks.

More pictures here.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to my Mummy who is in Brunei. I hope you had a nice day. Sorry I couldn't speak to you because I was out shopping :) while Mr K-E was doing DIY.

Remember this? Hahahaha!



(Sorry everyone, private joke between me and my mother. Happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there.)

M&S panties and other exotic goods

The weather has been luver-ly....warm and sunny. I've lived in England for too long : I'm blogging about the weather hahaaha.

So, what have I been up to lately? Relatives have been visiting and I have been busy doing stuff like:

1. frantic pre-visit flat cleaning;
2. stocking up on yoghurts, smoked mackerel and other food that Mr K-E and I never usually buy, but that people from Brunei seem to love;
3. doing the rounds of Debenhams, Marks and Spencer etc etc. Plus, adding the fun of buying clothes in cheapo places like Primark and supermarkets.

Forget the museums and galleries. A visit to London is all about the Clarks factory shop, M&S panties and lunch at Nando's.

Whose life is this anyway?

It's Thursday night and depressingly, I have nothing to blog about. No exciting foodie tales, no sunny-side-up snapshots, no sexy mama thrills this week. OK, I could blog about work, ye Gods, I can just imagine all my (2) loyal readers rolling their eyes now.

This week has been spent in a series of meetings in stuffy, over-heated rooms. To be fair, they haven't been boring. I usually have to pay careful attention in meetings anyway, in case I have to leap in and defend my corner.

Sometimes I do wonder...what the heck am I doing here? It's almost like I'm living someone else's life - going to work on the bus, eating sandwiches for lunch every day, being all "professional" at work and sending snotty e-mails to people who aren't doing their job, going home to a messy flat and eating McCain's oven chips for dinner. Who is this woman exactly? And how did she reach this point : sitting at big table trying to out-manouevre a load of overweight fifty-ish white guys in bad suits?

Not me, surely? I'm the girl from Kampung XXX ( a small neighbourhood in Brunei) who eats chicken rice for lunch and drives to Gadong to work every day. I'm the girl who has breakfast with her Dad and loves to eat deep fried fish with soy sauce and rice. I'm the girl who doesn't have any interest in domestic affairs; goes to HuaHo with her Mum after dinner and just pushes the trolley around. I don't even put the food away when we get home, I just slink off to watch TV in the air-conditioned living room with tiles on the floor. I'm the girl who likes to hang out in Booker International and buy magazines on Saturday afternoon.

My real life is starting to feel a little bit unreal.

Thinking about Home

Although I love London, there are things that make me feel a pang of homesickness. I was doing my daily blog-trawl when I saw a picture of Bukit Shahbandar...and oh, I felt something deep inside me longing to be there.

Bukit Shahbandar is a forest recreation park in Brunei and Mr K-E and I spent many happy evenings there, up and down the trails on those hills. Finally emerging sweaty and tired-out in the car park, where we would buy our 100-plus from the old guy and his make-shift drinks stall.

Another one of our after-work past times was swimming at the Olympic sized pool in Anggerek Desa. Swimming in that beautiful outdoor pool, so nice and cool in the hot weather, while the sun was setting...*sigh*....

I never appreciated sunsets until Mr K-E came to live in Brunei. From the bathroom window in Brunei, we have a view of our garden and the horizon beyond. It was a view that I had seen since I was a child so never really thought about it - until Mr K-E said how happy it made him, to come home from work and look out that window while taking his bath...the beautiful sunset and coconut trees and green jungles beyond.

On a cold January evening in my small London flat, I'm thinking .... maybe it's time to book that flight.

Husbands and Wives

I heard some really surprising news today. My mother told me that Uncle X, a close friend of our family, has left (or been kicked out by) his wife. The reason? She found out that he has a very young Chinese, i.e. from mainland China, mistress. His wife is very upset. His grown-up children are shocked.

I can hardly believe it. He just doesn't seem the type at all. I feel really sorry for his wife, my Auntie. They didn't have an easy life when they were younger and their children were young; now they have reached the stage where they can relax : children grown up and married with good jobs, time to look forward to grandchildren etc etc. Instead, it's now tears and recriminations.

The worst thing is, I told Mr K-E about it and his response was: well, that's quite normal in Brunei isn't it? So many of your Dad's friends have second wives.

It's not easy being a wife. 35 years of scrimping, saving, cleaning, looking after your children, cooking dinner and washing your husband's underpants. Then he trades you in for a 20 year old; with a face and body that hasn't been worn down by 4 kids and a lifetime of putting other people first.

I had better stop now, before I blog myself into a depression.

Mingling with Royalty (almost...)

I guess every Bruneian in the UK was at the Inter Continental Hotel on Park Lane this afternoon. It certainly felt like it: I heard there were two thousand people there. Holy Cow! As Mr K-E put it, if the population of Brunei is 300,000, then about 0.8% of the Brunei population is in this room. He thought that was hilarious for some reason.

He was also amused when I pulled out my baju kurong from the back of the wardrobe and tried it on last night. It's so bright compared to the clothes I normally wear in England but seemed positively drab compared to the outfits on show this afternoon. Note to self: black is not the only colour.

The food was good but please, why can't we have some chairs? My poor achy feet.

And yes, I got my cash. Woohoo! Thanks a lot Your Majesty!

(Background: The Sultan of Brunei and family usually visit London around this time of the year. The Brunei High Commission holds a reception for students and other Bruneians in the UK and Ireland. There's nice food in a big ballroom packed full of Bruneians, the royal family make a short appearance and at the end you get a cash "gift" from His Majesty. Errr, that's it in a nutshell.)

New Blog

So, have you guys checked out this blog?

(...you probably won't be interested unless you are from Brunei...)

PS Not a Katie-Ella off-shoot by the way. I'm too shallow for a serious blog.

Cicak

When I lived in Brunei, I never gave our resident cicaks much thought. A cicak is a type of gecko. They live inside houses all over SE Asia, eating insects and walking on walls with their sticky feet. They also make a clicking sound, which is one of the most familiar sounds of my childhood.

*sniff sniff*

You know you are homesick when you even miss the sounds of home.

Anyway, in my flat in London I also have a resident cicak.

Look, here he is, looking at my latest Amazon delivery.

Five things that I hate about London

1. Eating out is really expensive.
2. Oxford Circus on a Saturday. I avoid it like the plague.
3. It's far away from Brunei where my Mummy and Daddy live :(
4. The crazies at the bus stop. But I guess you get them in every city.
5. You do get sucked into a materialistic shopping spiral. Hmmm, not sure whether that's a love or hate thing for me?

Five things I love about London

1. No one knows or cares about my family background. In tiny Brunei, people would often ask me who my father was. Then look disappointed because I wasn't from one of the "rich and famous" Brunei-Chinese families.
2. Public transport
3. The work opportunities are great. No, really, they are. Despite my complaints.
4. Crossing the river Thames.
5. The bookshops. It's lovely to be in a city full of bookworms. I fit in!

Gasp!

I was flicking through my copy of Eve yesterday when I suddenly realised that the name at the top of the page was very, very familiar. Holy Cow! Rachael Malai Ali! And to prove it, her photo was there too...

She was talking about her nervous breakdown to promote her book The Cow Jumps over the Moon. I didn't realise she was a script writer and journalist? I thought she was mainly involved in running her mother's nursery school. I'm not trying to be bitchy here, by the way.

Her publishers call it "our new bestseller" - good marketing ploy :)

I haven't read it so I don't know if it is any good, but even so I'm very impressed. Jealous too; but mainly impressed. Well, she should be proud!

1. she has written a book
2. it's been published (let's face it, this is the tricky bit. Anyone can churn out pages of crap. Just like us bloggers hahaha)
3. her publishers obviously they are on to a good thing and promoting her in magazines like Eve

But also, nervous breakdowns/depression/stress are uncomfortable subjects in Brunei. So maybe other people who are going through the same thing will realise they are not alone.

Plus, I hope she has a good poke at all the people who were mean to her when she was ill. In a witty way, of course. Buy it here.

(PS I have just realised that people who aren't from Brunei will be thinking WTF? Rachael Malai Ali is a fellow Bruneian from a prominent family in Brunei. Her sisters Jenny and Paula are local celebrities. It's sooooo strange to read about a Bruneian who isn't the Sultan, or part of his family, or selling a story about them)

Wednesday evening

Well, forget everything I said earlier about "not buying any more stuff". I'm like an alcoholic; one drink and it's all over. One pair of shoes and I'm off on a spending spree. My Barclaycard was on fire tonight as I hit Oxford Street after work.

I'm too tired to blog in detail, but now I have lots of lovely new clothes and lingerie...woohoo! I'll regret it when the credit card bill arrives, but for now - I love shopping!

I stumbled on this guy's website - letters from Brunei. Very interesting reading.

He's the guy who wrote that song about Kuala Belait. Sorry, if you don't know Brunei, none of it will make sense. I expended all my energy pounding the mean shopping streets of London, none left for explanations.

Happy (Kia Su) Mother's Day

People in Brunei celebrated Mother's Day today. What with everything else going on, I had completely forgotten about it until my Mother mentioned it during our telephone coversation this afternoon.

I have to be quite organised about Mother's Day because in the UK, everyone celebrates Mothering Sunday which is in March. So I have to buy a Mother's Day card in March and hang onto it until May.

My mother and I had a good chuckle about the general kiasu-ness of Brunei society. This morning, her circle of friends were comparing what their grown-up children had got them for Mother's Day.

(Kiasu literally means "scared to lose" and could be roughly translated as "keeping up with the Jones".)

So Mrs A was waving around a new piece of jewellery while Mrs B "complained" that her son was taking her to Empire for lunch, despite the fact that it was sooo expensive. Meanwhile Mrs C is too busy to chat as her daughters have arranged a special family lunch for her.

Hahahaha. Things never change.

Hot Hot Chicken Shit

I don't know if any of you have noticed but my running regime has been going nowhere. My running log on the side bar taunts me every time I blog, reminding me how lazy I am.

After an initial spurt of enthusiasm, it's all gone wrong.

As I explained to Mr K-E, I'm a very "hangat hangat tahi ayam" type of person. Literally translated from Malay, hot hot chicken shit. It means someone who is initially keen and enthusiastic, but who quickly "cools" and loses interest. Like chicken shit, in fact.

Mr K-E finds this phrase really amusing. The weird thing is, this phrase is such a part of my childhood (years of learning Peribahasa*) that I never stopped to think what it actually means. Eeuuww, chicken shit!

*Malay proverbs

Sex for the Single Brunei Girl

These two guys - Jack and LSM - have inspired me to blog about sex.

In particular, I'm talking to the young women out there who are still finding their way, (hopefully) enjoying their youth and trying to make sense of modern relationships.

I presume that you are going to have sex anyway. Of course the only foolproof way to avoid pregnancy is no sex. If you are having sex, there is always a risk but you can make it a much much smaller risk by using contraception.

I'm not going to even address the issues of morality or religion, because you probably get that all day long. And does it really help?

So, girlfriend, if you are going to fool around:

• First and foremost, love yourself. By that I mean - think of yourself first. Just because he wants to shag you, doesn't mean he loves you. Do you want to have sex? Or do you want to make him happy?

• Don't have sex without a condom. Don't. Really don't. The consequences far far outweigh the pleasure and you can catch all sorts of nasty diseases.
  

• Remember that the guy is labelled a "rascal" while the girl is labelled the bitch-slut-whore-going-to-hell. It's just not worth it. Imagine how you will face your family and horrible relatives. Think of all the things that you want to do with your life...do you really want to have a baby now? Think about money. How will you cope? Do you really want to end up marrying someone under these circumstances?

• To be absolutely frank - do not let him put his penis into your vagina or even near your vagina without a condom. Don't believe him if he says he will pull out. What, stop when the pleasure is at its peak? Yeah right. Even if he says he can do it, the penis produces lubrication before ejaculation that can contain sperm. So you can get pregnant even if he doesn't come in you.

• Condoms work. Do not believe anyone who tells you that condoms don't work. Men say that because they don't want to wear them. Religious youth leaders say that because they think that they can scare you out of sex by lying to you. OK, stats show that there is a 3% risk and sometimes they split - but if you are going to have sex (and you are not on the Pill), condoms are your best friend.

• If things get really desperate, tell him to take care of himself i.e. have a wank. Hey, guys do it all the time. And don't forget that you can take care of yourself too.

• There's lots of stuff on the internet, but this is a good place to start.

I'm an old married woman now, but I remember being a teenager very well. I specifically remember what manipulative bastards (some) men can be even at that age. So here are a few additional comments

• You are not cheap if you have had sex with your boyfriend and you subsequently break-up. You had sex with him for whatever reason - it doesn't matter now, and it does not determine how you conduct yourself in future relationships.

• On that theme, just because you have had sex with someone - it doesn't mean that you have to stick with him if he turns into an asshole. It's not easy to walk away when you have invested so much into a relationship, but be strong. Believe in yourself.

• If your new boyfriend says - You had sex with him, but you won't have sex with me, that means you don't love me, don't let this influence you. At best - he feels insecure, in which case reassure him. At worst, he is using you. If someone puts a lot of pressure on you, tell him to get lost.

Life in a small town Part 5 : How to hide a pregnancy

The last few weeks have seen two cases of abandoned babies in Brunei. Both were dead. One was found in a rubbish dump and the other was found in a box underneath a flyover. It's sad, but even more tragic is the fact that these incidents are not particularly shocking. From memory, there are always a few incidents of abandoned babies every year; more than you would expect for such a small population.

A few Brunei bloggers have commented on it; here is what Pablo and Sher have had to say.

Here's a true story: When I was working in Brunei, one of my colleagues attempted to hide a pregnancy. She wasn't a teenager - she was in her mid-to-late twenties and engaged to be married. Yani* (*made up name, of course) had been to University in the UK; first impressions would be an intelligent and confident young woman.

Looking back now, I can remember clearly the first sign that something was not right. We were always dieting or talking about losing weight, and one day she mentioned that she hadn't been eating much anyway because she had some kind of tummy bug, i.e. vomiting. (Hey, I was only 22 at the time! I didn't know about pregnant women!)

Fast forward a month or two, it's Hari Raya and some of the other women in the office notice that Yani has put on some weight. They suspect that she is pregnant, and the gossiping starts. Apparently, women who have had kids can spot a pregnancy a mile away. I think that they are just being bitchy, and laugh it off saying - oh come on, it's just fat. Too much food over Hari Raya.

Then some of the married men noticed too and suddenly I thought - Yani does look pregnant, she seems to be constantly distracted and she can hardly keep her eyes open in the afternoon.

This went on for months and we were so worried about her. I'm sure that her mother knew what was going on because she used to give Yani herbs "to bring on her period". At one point she used to eat lots of young pineapple every day; the women in the office whispered that eating young pineapple can cause miscarriage. (An old wives tales, I think) All this time, she never admitted that she was pregnant.

It got worse and worse, until we were sure that she must be ready to give birth. At this time, she confided in a few of the older women that she had started bleeding, and they were really alarmed. We tried to persuade her to go to a doctor, but she wouldn't accept any help.

I remember it was a Friday, and we were so worried about her that we wouldn't let her go out for lunch alone. So about seven of us (all women) went out for lunch together, and as we walked back to the office slowly, I said to her - Look, if you could be pregnant, please tell me. We can help you. She kept denying it, until finally I said - Is there any chance, any chance at all, that you could be pregnant? She weakened, and nodded.

That whole day she was obviously in distress. At 5 o'clock, we stood outside the office and watched her clamber into her car. She was in such a state, she couldn't even start the engine for 10 minutes. Then we watched her drive away.

The next day she didn't turn up to work and at mid-morning her father came to see the Boss and the company secretary. Finally, the secret was out.

On Friday night after dinner, Yani went into labour and her family rushed her to hospital. Amazingly, she had kept her pregnancy a secret from her whole family (although personally, I think her mother must have known) so they thought she was suffering from appendicitis, or something similar. As soon as the doctor put his hands on her abdomen, he knew straight away so she was rushed to the labour room where she gave birth to a healthy baby girl.

Her father said that Yani was stupid to keep it a secret as she was engaged anyway. If she had said something, she could have just got married quickly and had the baby quietly at home with a midwife. So why did she try and keep it a secret? Was she denying it even to herself because she was ashamed, and she couldn't face it?

How did Yani keep it a secret from her father and brothers? Well, she spent as little time with them as possible. She would get home from work and eat dinner quickly on her own, then spend the rest of the evening in her room. She didn't attend any family functions, giving the excuse that she was "tired" or "not feeling well".

And if you think that you might not be fooled, consider this - many of the men in the office were completely shocked when they found out. Even one guy who used to sit about 10 metres from her every day didn't have a clue.

So now, whenever I hear about abandoned children I always think of the mothers and how desperate they must be. Personally, I think that in many cases the fathers or other family members must be complicit in the abandonment and thus murder. I can't imagine a woman who has just given birth going to a rubbish dump or driving on the highway to find a convenient flyover. Other people must know about the pregnancy, but for some reason they are not willing to give their support to the mother. Is it shame? Financial reasons? God forbid - rape or even incest? (It's not unknown in Brunei)

Are we, as members of society, part of the problem? If the parents had felt less social pressure, would they have been more likely to at least put the baby up for adoption, or even take a chance to leave the baby somewhere safer?

As for my friend Yani, she has a happy ending. A few months after the birth, she married her fiancee (the baby's father) and as far as I know, they are still living together happily.

Life in a small town Part 4: Blogging

I've turned into a bit of a "lurker", hanging around other people's blogsites silently. Well, actually, just Brunei blogs which I read with a kind of nauseous fascination. Just from the blogs, it seems that Brunei is still as clique-y as ever, and as s m a l l as ever. All the people from my peer group seem to have married each other or their friends' siblings. Scary. Many of the people who emigrated to Australia or New Zealand seem to be back. (Huh? what happened there?) The rich kids have opened shops/restaurants/spas and stay in business because a) their parents have deeeeep pockets and b) the shop doesn't actually have to make money, it's just something for little Lily*/Yazrin* to do. (*Made up names. Of course.)

But I guess what I really want to talk about is competitive Brunei blogging. I know Brunei. And I know it may seem like a nice cosy community, but in fact it is a hotbed of back-stabbing bitchiness with competitive everything. Someone posts about the fabulous meal they had at the Empire, you blog about your shopping trip to Singapore/Hong Kong/Sydney/London/New York/Los Angeles (in order of blog-points). Oh naughty me, I spent so much money on handbags darling.... smirk smirk. And the boyfriend, he bought the latest MX-12976 titanium golf club/laser pointer/rocket ship etc...

Funny how nobody blogs about what a hard time they are having at work, for example. Apart from monkey fruit, who just lets it rip, colleagues be damned. I like her!

The creepiest thing is when there are blogs written by sisters-in-law. Living in the same house. Mmmmm. I bet that's cosy. Not. I can imagine the bitching that goes on in bedrooms. Your sister thinks she's so funny...all her photos are blur anyway....her english is so half-past-six....anything I do she wants to copy............

Hey, people can blog about what they want. The internet is for everyone to express themselves. :)